JEEZ-A-THON

DARRELL: Dang, I done told ya Jimmy, I ain't never done no dad blame announcin'.
JIM: But, the people love you on the radio.
DARRELL: Different demographic. In person, I'm playin' beneath myself, Jimmy. The most these people have ever seen is the backside of Kenny Rogers through a curtain. I knew somebody who swept up back stage, you know a gopher, and he was a gopher alright. He skittled right out under that partition like he was one of Hank's kids out there a'killin' cold-blooded, airplane-stealin' and a'flyin' killers. And, on top of that Mary Lou drank too many Coca-Colas, which she ain't never had in her life. She was puking so hard, she coulda knocked your hat off at three paces.
JIM: Not easy on your esophagus, let me tell you that. My weakness is a food which I am allergic to.
DARRELL: Like asbestos or something? Ha.
JIM: No, like seafood.
DARRELL: Seafood? Shoot, I can suck up a whole plate a raw callie maary ...
JIM: What? Did you say something ...
DARRELL: I said I could suck up a whole plate of callie ...
JIM: Bubba, if you don't mind don't scream that out when Callie's walking by.
DARRELL: I didn't see her, and I was talkin' about another kind of fish anyways. Ha.
JIM: Anyway, I hope our little chat has calmed you down.
STAGE MANAGER: Ten minutes, people.
DARRELL: Jim, dear God in heaven, Jim ... don't make me. I'm a damn gospel singer and guitar player.
JIM: All you have to do is read these words.
DARREL: I'm not as good a reader as I said.
JIM: Too late now, padre. You'll be fine. Remember, every chance you get sell Jeeezus!
DARRELL: Sell 'im what?
JIM: No, push Jeeezus ...
DARRELL: Push 'im where? Yore spiritual life is a lot more developed than mine is, and I ain't even seen ...
JIM: And pronounce the new name we're using very distinctly. Jeezus needs to be upgraded, people are leavin' the Christian faith in droves.
STAGE MANAGER: Five minutes.
DARRELL: What if I shit in my pants? What kind of Christian witness will that be? Poopin' is evil anyway.
JIM: Okay, stand up straight. Just walk out there to the microphone, announce yourself and start reading.
STAGE MANAGER: Places.
DARRELL: What the hell is her job anyway? A'callin' out the time and talkin' up some kind of Travelogue, I reckon.
STAGE MANAGER: Cue drumroll.
DARRELL: Hi. I done lost my place. Places! They say that back thar. Just a minute. I'm sorry I'm new at this.
JIM: Speak into the microphone when you're talking.
DARRELL: Well they don't want to hear all that. I might have said a cuss word.
JIM: Well, let it fly, we're goin' after the hard-core, younger pagans, remember.
DARRELL: I don't even know what a pagan is. Reckon you folks do, which is why yore all a laughin' yore fucking asses off.
JIM: Holy cow, Darrell. ... Don't use the F word, for crying out loud. Some people are starting to leave, and you haven't even announced the first act.
DARRELL: But you said to let fly with a cuss word, if I had a mind to. You know, if satan put one in my mind which I couldn't restrain. Besides, that the best cuss word I know. They're laughing again.
JIM:I know, you're doing fine. Keep going. Hold down the one-liners ... but keep reading. Distinctly.

DARRELL: