Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Custodian

FADE IN

INT. ST. MARY'S CATHOLIC CHURCH, NEW ORLEANS -- DAY

FATHER JACQUES LA FARGE, 50, the rector at St. Mary's Catholic Church in New Orleans, is strolling slowly, thoughtfully, wearing a scowl in the empty sanctuary toward the altar.

CUT TO:
We see JOSEPH MORRIS, "MOJO," 62, a church historian and custodian standing at a blackboard at the church teaching a class.

MOJO
So we have a discrepancy, here, don't we -- actually several.

STUDENT
They're piling up.

MOJO
Yes they are. Well, as we've said, the Bible, especially the New Testament, is filled with errors, only, I prefer to call them edits ... some of which are glaringly apparent.

CUT TO:
LA FARGE is standing outside a small living space, rather messy, with books everywhere. A large print of Leonardo's 'The Last Supper' has been unrolled and weighted at both ends on a table. In red chalk, someone has circled a hand gripping a knife which floats in midair behind Judas' back. We LA FARGE inspecting a custodian's closet. He pulls up a mop out of a bucket of water, sniffs it with disgust, and lets it fall back in. We see LA FARGE stroll up to the class where MOJO is teaching and stop to look in.

CUT TO:
MOJO sees LA FARGE looking in. LA FARGE continues walking. Written on the blackboard are a list of questions: "How lovable is John, the son of Zebedee?" "Was John Jesus' cousin? Is that a conflict of interest?" "Which John stands with a woman named Mary at Jesus' cross?" "Who is buried in the Virgin Mary's tomb?" A large print of Leonardo Da Vinci's painting "The Last Supper" is taped to the blackboard.

MOJO
So, if this person is Mary ... then we have only eleven male disciples. So, which of the twelve is missing?

CLASS
(in unison, monotone) John.

MOJO
Which one?

CLASS
Son of Zebedee

MOJO
Besides John the Baptist, name another John

CLASS
John Mark

MOJO
What if I told you that there may have been a thirteenth disciple, who is not present ... either? And what if I told you his name was John.

The class is completely deadpan.

BLACK STUDENT
Is that the African ... John? Boy, y'all gonna learn some shit now.

CUT TO:
BRIAN MCADAMS, 45, who is attending the class, sees LA FARGE at the doorway. When LA FARGE passes, BRIAN looks at his watch, stands up and exits the classroom.

CUT TO:
LA FARGE, outside his office, speaks to assistant rector FATHER CHAD PRINGLE, 30.

LA FARGE
What are we doing letting a custodian teach a class? And in what, pray tell?

CHAD
As I've said Father La Farge ... Mojo is not just a custodian.

LA FARGE
Says who? He's dirty, he limps ... what more can he be?

CUT TO:
BRIAN is striding toward the church's administrative offices.

CUT TO:
CHAD replies to LA FARGE

CHAD
He has several degrees, Jacques. He's a decorated veteran, Vietnam era, and, a church historian.

LA FARGE
Oh, for shit's sake, Chad! This is not a summer camp or a vacation Bible school, or whatever they call those things down south.

CHAD
Things?

LA FARGE
Yes, things, Chad! Things! Things. They make the children do arts and crafts for Jesus, or whatever.

CHAD
Oh, Vacation Bible School, yeah ... you had it right. VBS.

LA FARGE
Yeah, Vacation Bible School ... very big shit.

BRIAN
Are you Father La Farge?

LA FARGE
Do I look somebody! Dear fucking God, you scared the bee-bee Jesus out of me.

BRIAN
The B-B Jesus?

LA FARGE
The big bad Jesus ... out of me. It's a punchline for a joke. So, may I help you ...

BRIAN
You were going to teach me the difference between the Episcopal church, the Anglican church and the Catholic church and how they feel toward one another.

LA FARGE
Why, are you out on some crusade to burn Catholics at the stake?

BRIAN
I ... can't believe you just asked me that.

LA FARGE
You didn't hear it! Let it relax and float downstream.

BRIAN
Let what relax and float downstream?

LA FARGE
Why, you, you twerp! ... You big ol' twerp. Just relax. I'll ring for room service. Chad!



CUT TO:
A STUDENT with his hand raised asks MOJO a question.

STUDENT
So, you're saying that the people who actually hosted the lord's supper in Jerusalem ... were named John and Mary? And that they've been hidden ... obscured? And most likely because they were ... African? Who obscured them?

CUT TO:
LA FARGE
Well, no one's perfect. (chuckling) But I can assure you, Mr. McAdams, the Inquisitions are well in the past.

CUT TO:
MOJO answers the student's question.

MOJO
Unless the Coptic pope in Alexandria, Egypt is pulling our leg, yes, John Mark was an African, as was his mother Mary. And they hosted the last supper. John Mark would be the thirteenth disciple ... the second man named John missing from Leonardo's The Last Supper.

BRIAN
Now Constantine ... what kind of a person was he?

LA FARGE
Oh, a super guy. Without him ... we're nowhere.


CHAD
He's teaching a class on eschatology, as he has every year for the past ten years. ... There's someone here.

BRIAN steps into the reception area.

LA FARGE
What does a custodian know about the future?

BRIAN
Hi ... um, Father ... father.

CHAD
There's only one of me. May I help you?

BRIAN
I have a one o' clock appointment ... with the head ... father.

LA FARGE
Rector. Are you Mr. McAdams?

BRIAN
I am

LA FARGE
Well, come in. Thank you, Chad. ... So, you still believe you'd like to convert to Catholicism?

BRIAN
It's a fascinating, um, denomination. But, from my reading of the history books, well ... there have been some problems.

LA FARGE
Tell me about it. You don't have to work with these people. I mean ... they're okay. They're just unpredictable.

BRIAN
Mood swings and inquisitions ... a volatile situation, don't you agree?

LA FARGE
No, not entirely. Some people deserve to be punished for what they've done to the church. Disgraceful. At the time the inquisitions were going on, it was something that those societies needed. It put them on the right track.

BRIAN
I thought the Reformation did that.

LA FARGE
Fuck the Reformation! And the horse it rode in on!

BRIAN
I've learned enough. Say hello to the Mrs.

LA FARGE
Right! Give one to yours. Ta ta. As in trouble, trouble.

CHAD
As is double trouble?

LA FARGE
Shut up. Go out and look through the courtyard toward the street and see if this man is still parked there.

CHAD
Parked where?

LA FARGE
Wherever he is.

CHAD
Well he's talking to somebody.

LA FARGE
Who?

CHAD
I'd better not say.

LA FARGE
He's finished. If he isn't giving that big prick directions ... he is in so much trouble. If they're together, in league against me, I'll rip their throats out, do you hear me! Chad!

CHAD
I did until just now. Holy shit, calm down, Jacques.

LA FARGE
Don't call me that. I need a new name. A handle.

CHAD
How about Mr. Cranky?

LA FARGE
Chad!

CHAD
Mr. Grumpypants?

LA FARGE
Perfect! ... The Black Rose.

CHAD
Dusky Dawn.

LA FARGE
Get out of here, I need to think.

CHAD
About what?

LA FARGE
How I'm going to make our custodian regret the day he ever made this church his home.

CHAD
How?

LA FARGE
Alchemy.

CHAD
Voo-doo, too.

LA FARGE
Why do you hang all over me. ... Oh, now, I'm sorry. There he goes ... watch him!

CHAD
Why?

LA FARGE
I need to know his movements. Hurry, go get some!

CHAD
Some movements?

LA FARGE
Watch him! Where he goes.

CHAD
But he's sitting down.

LA FARGE
So, take a break.













... to be continued

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